If you find yourself divorcing a narcissist, you are embarking on one of the most difficult life events that you will ever experience; however, you can defeat your narcissist in divorce court.
Finding out you are married to a narcissist is a lot like the story about the frog and a pot of water.
If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, the frog will leap out of the pot of water, but if you put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water and bring the water to a slow boil, the frog will not jump out of the pot, and he will get cooked.
Getting into a relationship with a narcissist is like the frog being put in a pot of lukewarm water. The narcissist is ALWAYS wearing a mask, not just to lie to you, but to lie to himself/herself, also. The narcissist will not reveal his or her true self to you, until he or she no longer has a use for you, does not need the fuel you have given him or her, or does not need whatever prestige you used to give to him or her. If the narcissist showed you who he or she really was when you first met the narcissist, you would leap out of that relationship as quickly as a frog would after being placed into a pot of boiling water. This is why most people do not realize they are involved with a narcissist until we have gotten in too deep and the marriage is over.
So how do you defeat a narcissist in divorce court?
1. Once you realize your marriage is over, do not communicate with the narcissist. The narcissist has learned who you are, what your triggers are, and is very good at pushing your buttons to lure you back into the narcissist's web to get an unfair advantage against you in divorce court.
At this point, you have probably already filed for divorce or let the narcissist know that the marriage is over. The narcissist will have suffered an injury to his or her ego, especially if the narcissist has already been served with divorce papers.
The narcissist will lie to get you to believe that he/she has learned the err of his/her ways and legitimately wants to reconcile. He or she will love bomb you.
Don't fall for it.
The narcissist is playing chess with you, and is probably only luring you back for the purpose of gaining an advantage in your inevitable divorce.
Also, most narcissists are not physically abusive, however, if they are ever going to get abusive, it is when they have suffered a narcissistic injury, which could be when they are served with divorce papers by law enforcement. Anything that embarrasses him or her will cause narcissistic injury, and that is when the narcissist is most dangerous.
2. IN TENNESSEE, IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL TO AUDIO RECORD CONVERSATIONS YOU HAVE WITH THE NARCISSIST, SO LONG AS YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN THE CONVERSATION.
You don't want to bait the narcissist and then record him/her. You want it to be an authentic episode of narcissistic abuse. Often, the narcissist, when she or he is having an episode, will be spouting delusions of grandeur and at the same time attacking you. You may be able to use those audio recordings to prove that your narcissist lied to the judge.
3. You must be very careful about who you trust while you are going through a divorce with a narcissist. You also need to be very careful about what you post on social media, even if you think your social media is private. There are flying monkeys reporting everything back to your narcissist.
Another thing the narcissist will do when he or she is on the defense due to suffering narcissistic injury is to employ your mutual friends against you. Experts call them the narcissist's, “flying monkeys.” The flying monkeys will contact you, lurk on your social media, and fish information out of you, all at the behest of the narcissist.
When you are divorcing a narcissist, you must be very cautious about sharing information with mutual friends of the narcissist. You will be surprised which of these mutual "friends" will side with the narcissist and/or testify against you in court. It is very important to keep the strategy of your case and discussions with your divorce attorney close to your chest when you are divorcing a narcissist.
4. Do not lie in divorce court, because with a good divorce attorney, lies will be revealed.
If you tell the slightest fib to the judge, it will be revealed.This may be when the audio recordings of your narcissist will be introduced in court to show that he or she is a liar. But if you get caught in the smallest fib, then you are no better than the narcissist. You want to be as pure as the driven snow when you are in divorce court against your narcissist.
Once you have shattered your credibility with the judge, and if the judge then becomes faced with a “he said/she said,” who do you expect the judge to believe?
The litigant who was caught in the lie will not be the one the judge believes. If you are divorcing a narcissist, count on the fact that the narcissist will lie to the judge.
In order to show the court that your narcissistic spouse is lying to the judge, it is very important that you fully disclose everything to your attorney. You do not want to bombard your attorney with irrelevant facts, but you need to honestly answer all of the questions that your attorney asks and supply your attorney with all the information that your attorney requests from you. Your attorney knows what information the court needs to win your case, so stay on course with the questions your attorney is asking you, and don't inundate your attorney with information that is not related to what your attorney is asking you.
I was involved with a case against a narcissist, where the parties had acquired a beautiful beach house, a multi-million dollar business, fancy sports cars and other valuable assets. The narcissist, during the first hearing on exclusive possession of the marital residence, lied to the judge and claimed that the beach house, all of the money, the business, and the fancy cars were gifts from his mother. We were able to disprove the narcissist's lies about the source of the marital estate at a subsequent hearing and won the lion's share of the marital estate. Judges do NOT like liars and narcissists, by their very nature, are liars.
5. Before you hire a divorce attorney, ask the prospective attorney what experience he or she has with representing clients who are divorcing a narcissist
You will be able to tell in your gut from the attorney's answer to this question, whether this attorney is a good fit for your unique situation in divorcing a narcissist. Not all divorce attorneys are the same. You need one who is capable of helping you divorce someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
6. Narcissists believe they are smarter than everyone and that they do not have to answer to anyone but themselves, they believe they are the authority next to, if not equal to, God
You can use the narcissist's delusions of grandeur and superiority over others to your advantage in divorce court, because, even though narcissists are usually above average in intelligence, THEY DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, even though they think they do!!
This is an example of something that really happened in a divorce case in which I was involved: the narcissist texted his wife, "the judge can order me to do that but it does not mean that I will comply." This text message was tendered as an exhibit against the narcissist. Can you imagine what the judge thought when he read the narcissist's text message to his wife?
Now, knowing that narcissists believe they are smarter than everyone, and also knowing that narcissists are extremely manipulative and dishonest, another thing that narcissists will do is try to make you lose faith in your attorney. They will tell lies to you about your attorney, “I heard your attorney doesn't know what she is doing, or my attorney says your attorney is not right about the law,” causing you to lose faith in your attorney and switch attorneys in the middle of your divorce. Once again, this is all the more reason that you cut off all contact with the narcissist once you discover you are divorcing one.
One of the worst things you can do, oftentimes, is switch attorneys in the middle of your divorce case, especially if it is because your narcissist spouse is causing you to lose faith in the ability of your attorney. He/she is doing this to create chaos in your life and to get an unfair advantage over you in the divorce. Don't let him/her do that.
In summary, DO NOT GIVE UP!! Keep swimming upstream. Narcissists, if they feel like they are losing, will try to draw the divorce case out as long as they can, but DO NOT WAVE THE WHITE FLAG. It will be over, you must PERSEVERE, KEEP FIGHTING, you can Win!!
The narcissist knows how to disguise who he/she really is, and there you are, just sitting comfortably in that pot of lukewarm water, all the while, the narcissist is bringing that water to a slow boil, slowly cooking you, and once you realize who you have been involved with, the damage is done.
The narcissist, once you have injured his or her ego, wants to DESTROY you. Your career, your relationships with friends and family members.
The good news is, once you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, and you realize that you were in a relationship with a narcissist, you can spot a narcissist a mile away from that point forward.
The divorce will be over, and you will win. Knowing your enemy and employing an attorney who knows how to deal with a narcissist in divorce court, YOU WILL PREVAIL!!